Tears slide down my cheeks, revealing extreme happiness, relief, and joy. They are the catalyst for the freedom that now lies in my heart—beautifully and so welcoming.
Yesterday, I finally sealed the sale of my apartment. What an exhausting, emotionally draining process.
It's better that I didn't know ahead of time that this journey of fully embracing my nomadic life by shedding the material possessions I no longer wanted, including most of my belongings and even the roof over my head, would take a year in the making. Would it have stopped me? No, no way!
It was mid-March 2024 when I decided I could no longer return to the life I once knew. Living and working in one place. The open road stole my soul in the most beautiful way, and I am not willing to give it up. At least not yet.
Don't read those lines and think it is such a peaceful story. Even though I knew with all my heart that following my heart was the right thing for me, my other parts were fighting me, trying to dim my shining light, reflecting their fear so profoundly, that at times I was on my knees with agony.
As time passes, I know this chapter of my life will gift me with wisdom that I couldn’t fully understand while going through it. As it comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on the same question I have been curious about regarding my five 'characters': Were they doing their best?
Five characters entered my life—five characters who pushed and poked at my soul. Writing about each one or expressing my frustration and disappointment wouldn't feel fair to them. After all, this is my story, and in the end, they helped me grow a deeper, more compassionate heart.
Throughout the process of selling my apartment, I kept returning to one main question. Are my characters doing their best?
The first time I came across this question was around 2018, when I started reading Brené Brown's books. At the time, my answer was an adamant 'No way, José.' I reencountered this teaching when I began my journey on the open road. This time, the vast landscape melted away some of my pain and helped me see the abusive behavior of my dad and my ex in a different light.
I began to realize that, yes, people are doing their best. Unfortunately, their best will not always align with mine. Both my dad and my ex did their best. Neither of them meant to hurt me. But most of us are emotionally limited when it comes to expressing our trauma in healthy ways.
I feel fortunate to have the curiosity and willingness to explore my emotions and understand them. Only when I came to accept this idea was my heart ready for forgiveness.
The beauty of forgiveness lies in the freedom it gives you. Being willing to accept and forgive what was done to me opened my heart and enriched my soul, allowing me to love myself,and the universe even more.
I didn't say I can forget. I wish I could. But these experiences are now part of me, part of the trauma I need to heal. Forgiveness, I've learned, is a gift you give yourself and a first step toward healing.
No, there's no need to forgive my five characters. They didn't hurt me in any way. If anything, they forced me to look at myself and ask whether I did my best during this process. They pushed me to want to do better the next time I encounter fear that sabotages my compassionate heart.
So, did I do my best? I like to think I did, but in moments when stress danced with fear, I admit, I fell apart. Definitely not my best. What frustrated me most was that only when I was back in the woods, fully aware of who I am, did I feel guilt for not taking a breath before reacting.
There's peace in my soul when I can recognize, accept, and celebrate the lessons the universe is trying to teach me. Yet, I wish I could catch myself in the middle of the storm with a graceful heart and a faithful mind.
Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I hadn't let fear hold my intuition hostage. Now, I need to find forgiveness for myself. And you know what? That's not easy.
We are shaped by our experiences. Without the challenges and the joyful moments, there is no path for growth.
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